The Intersection of My Cortex and My Soul

Hi.

2006-08-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

I was on vacation and now I'm back.

While I was away I realized that my husband didn't "do a 180" on me like I thought he did. I was so naive. No, he had been this way from the start. He had been to several prostitutes. He had cheated on me early on with an under age girl. He was very into porn.

Then he had this big "realization" about how much he loved me and he changed. THAT was the 180. He became a great person. And I really believed it. All of his friends kept saying what a good influence on him I was...what a red flag. Wow. I never even realized it. Not until this past week. I guess he couldn't white-knuckle it any more. And I was shocked that he turned out this way, can you imagine? I WAS LITERALLY SHOCKED. I believed that he was this amazing person. What the hell? Wow. I'm truly delusional. I'm glad I finally realized this though. It's dismaying but vital information. This way I can be on the lookout for this type of person in the future and keep as far away from them as possible.

Today I went to a party at my old boss' house. It's out by the Naval Base I used to go to Family Support Groups at while my husband was in Iraq. It's also by this Naval Air Station that my husband worked at briefly. On our way up I realized that there was an air show there today. We could see it from the freeway. Traffic was backed up a little because people were watching the planes. I had my son in the car.

When I spotted the planes and pointed them out to him I got teary and choked up. I am such a darn idealist. It represented something to me. It represented a bundle of characteristics that I had attributed to my husband at one time: Heroism, valor, courage, gallantry, bravery... Weird that I feel like that when I see our servicepeople flying our planes like that. At one time my husband was a part of that air show- he was a medic on duty. I was so proud of him back then.

I happen to have "Lucky Man" by The Verve playing on my IPod at the time, which made me even more nostalgic, sad, etc. That's just how I am. Those things get to me.

Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, myHappiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just where I am
But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
But I'm a lucky man
With fire in my hands
Happiness
Something in my own place
I'm stood here naked
Smiling, I feel no disgrace
With who I am
Happiness
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know just who I am
But how many corners do I have to turn?
How many times do I have to learn
All the love I have is in my mind?
I hope you understand
I hope you understand
Gotta love that'll never die
Happiness
More or less
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Happiness'
Coming and going
I watch you look at me
Watch my fever growing
I know
Oh, my, myOh, my, myOh, my, myOh, my, my
Gotta love that'll never die
Gotta love that'll never die
No, no
I'm a lucky man
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, myOh, my, my
It's just a change in me
Something in my liberty
Oh, my, myOh, my, my

I'm So Disillusioned With Humanity...

2006-08-10T23:07:00.000-07:00

I really am. I want to numb myself to it so every little thing doesn't slice to the bone.

People SHOCK me...how inherently callous and, for lack of a better word, evil, maybe? Are a lot of human beings evil? It pains me to be on this earth sometimes.

Please do not continue reading unless you want to be brought down big-time. Seriously.

THIS WILL BE DISURBING.

A few examples. First of all, I heard about some kids taking a new litter of kitties, "planting" them in the ground with only their heads sticking out, and mowing them. MOWING them, like grass. When the teacher told the class what had happened (they were caught)...the ENTIRE class laughed.

Next. I inadvertently came across a horrific genetic defect that some babies are born with. Most die soon thereafter. I was so upset by it. It's called harlequin fetus syndrome. I wanted to learn more, so I googled it. A lot of what I found was highly disturbing. Tons of people have made jokes out of this terrible condition that infants are suffering from. They don't seem to realize that the "objects" they are laughing at are human beings! Or they don't care... I'm appalled, deeply saddened, and actually...I'm very, VERY scared for humanity.

There are examples of this EVERYWHERE all around us, every day. And I'm not talking about the anomalies even. Some of this is becoming the norm. That's what is MOST frightening.

What about children being raised watching Howard Stern? Is that OKAY IN ANYONE'S MIND? Being raised playing violent video games from toddler age on. Hearing violent and sexist lyrics from that age forward......am I alone in being TERRIFIED by this? I AM DEPRESSED.

I'm Lonely.

2006-08-07T01:11:00.000-07:00

I was looking through Blogger for blogs that mentioned loneliness. I found this really cool blog. I really like it. Anyway, as I'm sitting here reading it, it's making me cry. I'm crying because this man knows happiness. I'm crying because he loves his son so much and his son knows happiness. So I'm sitting here praying and talking to God. The things I've asked for are seemingly so simple. Love. Happiness. For my children and myself. I don't want to have to create it- to make it up in my head- to make someone into something they are not. I want to really find a person who IS what I think they are. Someone who can truly love us.

After I married my husband, and I mean RIGHT after, we walked to the front of our venue with the photographer to shoot some photos. They were taking some of my son and husband when my son, then 6, looked up at my new husband and said, "You're stuck with us for good now."

It breaks my heart that he has learned at such a young age that that is not the case. That he cannot rely on anyone around him to be "stuck with him", even when they promise it in front of everyone they know and God. It's beyond my comprehension as an adult, how can a young child who has already lost 1 father understand it? This hurts so much.

And then there are people who adore their kids. I wanted that so badly that I pretended it was there? Is that what I did? I deceived myself into believing I had found a man like that?

When I look at the picture of the boy in that blog, I see a happy boy. My son is not a happy boy. He once was, but that went away a long time ago. I'm not blaming my husband or anyone else for it. But it's a fact. He's going to be like me. I pray all the time that God will make me the mother my children need. Please God, make me the mother they need. Please. Help me to be able to give them each what they need from me.

I met someone yesterday for five minutes and I got carried away in my mind. I made up what I thought he was. I pretended that he was also thinking about me. I told myself that he might stop by so I cleaned my place up. The thing is, this was delusional on my part. There is no rational possibility that that could or would happen. He doesn't even know me. I let myself get very carried away. As the day wore on I realized this and got very down on myself.

It reminds me a bit of the days when I used to stand outside of my apartment after my son was asleep, years ago. Waiting. Waiting for someone to walk down the street and want to come in for dinner and to watch TV with me.

I was thinking about something the other day. When I met my husband I was desperate. To the naked eye I didn't appear that way, but I was desperate inside. I remember having looked for an apartment a few months earlier and seeing a guy coming out of one of the builings I looked at. I made up an entire story about him too. That maybe if I moved there I could get to know him, etc. I was extremely lonely and desperate. This was right before I started law school.

I didn't move into that place. I found another place. Everyone there was engaged or married. One night there was a pizza party for someone's birthday down by the pool, soon after I moved in. I took my son down there. My heart was aching the entire time because I was single and everyone else had someone to love and who loved them. Believe me, I loved my son, but it was not the same thing. I felt so empty inside.

When I started school I felt like no one was particularly interested in me. No one really dated anyone. This was the backdrop under which I met my husband. I was looking for the very best in him and didn't want to see flaws.

I don't want that to happen again. It can't. Aren't there other people that just want love too? I'm not saying I'm an angel or a saint. I am VERY difficult to live with. But I really have a lot to give.

Parents

2006-08-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

I found a dog. The first thing my parents say to me about this is, "You can't keep it." Um...yes I can. I honestly don't know if I'm going to keep her yet, but the fact that they are always telling me what to do really bothers me. I'm 31.

Now, tonight I asked them about this after they started in on it again. They said that they are just trying to help because I already have so much on my plate and that they don't think I should be taking more on. I understand this, but WHY are they always TELLING me what do do?

I told my mom that because of the problems I have (being bipolar and such) whether I had chosen life path A, B or C, I would likely feel the same way right now. She said maybe, but that she thinks a lot of my choices in life have been BECAUSE of my problems. Okay, yes, so what. That's fairly obvious, I think. Anyway, then she asked how I *DO* feel. I said that I feel fine.

"Really?"

"Yes. I'm fine. This is the world as I know it. It's fine. I don't know anything different."

"Okay."

"Plus, there are people with WAY worse lives than I have so I really don't think I have anything to complain about."

"True. I'm glad you feel that way. I really am."

Sigh. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the fact that my parents feel sorry for me, think my life is crap, feel like they can't die in peace because I will have no one to look out for me...ESPECIALLY now that I'm getting divorced again. I feel horrible about it. You know, I've tried really hard to do my very best. This is the best I can do. I've tried to be successful in the areas I can be. Apparently none of this counteracts the fact that they see me as a fucked up person. What more can I do?

Just a Few Updates...Don't Feel Much Like Blogging.

2006-08-01T00:42:00.000-07:00

I got a job. It pays better and that's a lot of stress off of me. Because of that I have noticed that I'm yelling at the kids a lot less which makes me feel SO much better. I was feeling awful. I was considering reaching out for some kind of help because I didn't think I was capable of doing it alone anymore. I felt like I was sinking.
My husband got an apartment. It is a pricey studio apartment. He says he got it because it is centrally located to all of the locations he has to go to for work. Let's see how that works out. Hopefully well.
My parents made me feel TERRIBLE the other day for the long hours my kids will be at school/childcare when I start my job. Why they did that I don't know. They know I don't have a choice. I wasn't making ends meet. It breaks my heart.
I've been bad with diet/exercise. I need to get back on the bandwagon.

I am lonely for a man. I just want to be able to chat online with a guy, I'm not ready to meet anyone in person yet. My goal is to wait a full year. I think that is healthiest for me. I need to be healthy. At the same time, I feel that loneliness...but you know what, it's not as bad as it has been in the past. There is some improvement. I want to be a complete person on my own, whatever the hell that means. I hear it's good. We'll see.

Our Lives Now.

2006-07-20T23:13:00.000-07:00

Last 2 nights, no phone call. Believe me, I was right about my parents having made him call the other night. Loser.

My kids are going to be warehoused in school/daycare from morning until night from now on. That wasn't what I had wanted for them. I worked really hard to avoid it. When I graduated from law school my husband got out of the military. We discussed, way in advance, that we would be switching roles. I'd become the primary breadwinner and he would go to school full-time, so he could earn a degree. He'd build his school schedule around the needs of our children. And they'd continue to have a parent at home.

Almost immediately he broke his promise. He "couldn't" schedule his classes this way. So my mom had to babysit. He wouldn't have his phone on him, when it became HIS responsibility to answer the phone should one of the schools call in an emergency. That became his role. But time after time after time he was unreachable. I can't handle that kind of stress. Plus, it would deeply anger and disappoint me. In ways I can barely describe. It was a forshadowing of things to come, and maybe my inner soul was clued into that.

We had to live somewhat frugally in order to pull this off though. But that wasn't happening.

Next, he failed/dropped his classes (this happened when all of the drama blew in December.) Again in April. So...no more GI Bill. It was time for him to get a full-time job. So our beautiful plan was thereby blown.

That is just total bull, you know that? It's our kids. It's how we had planned to raise our kids! Ugh.

And now he's just gone. So...they will be warehoused. Probably for 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week. In order for me to pay our bills and keep afloat.

Never in all the years left in the world would I have guessed that he would have done this to us. To them.

Still my babies ask for him. Cry for him.

Moooooooooo. Yes, Moo.

2006-07-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking around this square with all of these glass buildings around me. I made myself literally ill. I can't BELIEVE what my body looks like. I had no idea. I was under this delusional impression that I "carried my weight well." Ha, that's what they all say, right? Wow. I AM A FUCKING WHALE. No, really. I am really "dumpy" looking. I am SO disgusted with myself.

I already knew I was a fatass. I got on the scale this morning and wanted to take a pistol to my temple.

So what did I do tonight? Riiiiight, I went out to dinner and PIGGED OUT. Because I am worthless.

Yes.

Oh, I so want to be anorexic right now. No joke. I was anorexic in my early teens. I know it's very bad. But if I don't do something drastic, I'll never change. And my weight is a MAJOR issue with me and it really affects my mental health status.

Not an excuse though, I know. Care only minimally right now.

Guess who called the kids today? Yep. My parents must have said something to him. That kind of stuff just doesn't happen on its own...

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to post about my "husband" and weight. Just a little rememberance.
________________________
This morning I woke up thinking about posting on a wedding website, soon after I got engaged (2002). Someone had posted this questionnaire that their priest had had them do which was supposed to be really good for communication prior to marriage. I opened it and said, "hey there's this premarital questionnaire someone posted. Let's do it."

So I started asking him the questions and then answering them myself. All was fine until we reached a question that was, "Is there anything that you find objectionable about your fiance/ee's appearance?"I asked him, but only halfheartedly because I truly expected him to say "no" and then we'd move on. Instead he hesitated and said, "...well..."

My stomach dropped. My heart started pounding. "What? What is it? Tell me."

"...Well, I'm not sure if I should say anything, since you're already trying to do something about it..."

Well right then and there I knew what it was. A few weeks before I had joined Weight Watchers because in the prior months I had put on about 20 lbs. was miserable with my weight. I have had eating disorders and body image problems since age 11. Honestly, when he said that, I felt like I had died. I was SO hurt. I was also stunned. I had been living in oblivion. I didn't know it bothered him. But I *was* doing something about it...I started thinking about the fact that I was marrying a person who wasn't okay with my body whether I gained weight or not. Now I know not everyone here is in agreement with this, but I feel that I want (and NEED) to be with someone who wouldn't care if I gained 100 lbs. Or certainly wouldn't hurt me over it.

I realized at that moment that this wasn't the case, and it was earth-shattering to me. I know I'm probably in a life-long battle with some of these issues and I think I'll need a real partner in that. :(I cried about it for days. He felt really bad and actually he cried too (for making me cry.) He actually cared about me back then.

Then he tried to change the story and said that he meant that it bothered him because it bothered ME and since I was so insecure about myself I never wanted to go anywhere or do anything...not that it bothered HIM per se...yeah right.

::Opens Bottle and Lets Explode::

2006-07-17T22:30:00.000-07:00

I shouldn't have become a parent. I thought I could do it. I thought I could do it well. I have defended the right of a mentally ill person to become a mother, saying that she could be a good one. Now I'm not so sure. There may be such cases. I am not one.

I should get my tubes tied so I don't bring any more miserable children into my sick and demented world. I hate myself.

I have tried to keep my misery hidden from my parents because I didn't want them to feel pain and disappointment. I have recently cracked and let them in on everything. They are in so much pain now. My mom cried to me. I know my dad does too. I am a selfish and weak person for having done this, knowing what the outcome would be.

I can't allow my parents to die thinking I'm not okay or my children aren't okay. I need them to know we will be okay and that we're happy. Damn it. DAMN HIM. That fucking asshole- he let my father walk me down the aisle. My mom sang at our wedding. IT MEANT SOMETHING TO THEM. My father told him, that night, "I have given you a very precious and beautiful flower. Take care of it." And he cried. FUCK YOU YOU PIECE OF FILTY SHIT. YOU ARE FILTHY, NOT ME. I HATE YOU AND I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

You didn't call the kids again tonight. You don't give a shit about them. I hate you. I think you are the lowest of the low. I think you're an ugly person, inside and out. You disgust me and make me sick. You are foul. I wish great misfortune upon you all the days of your life. You will pay for this. It will work out that way, I know it will. You will get what's coming to you and you'll regret everything you've ever done to us. You'll cry yourself to sleep at night wondering why you were ever born. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY TO COME. I WISH IT WAS ALREADY HERE. YOU ARE A FAILURE AND A LOSER. YOU ARE A WRETCHED PIECE OF TRASH. GO TO HELL.

You have hurt my children. You have hurt my parents. Don't ever think you will find favor with me again. Those days are over. Blood is thicker than water and you are pure shit. I wish you had died in the war. That way I would have always believed you were someone else. I could have continued to lie to my children about you and never even know it. My life would have meant something and so would theirs have.

I showed the baby your picture every day and told her all about you. I told her why you weren't there and what a brave person you were. That you were a hero. I thought you were going to be the greatest father that ever lived. The greatest husband. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? Tell me, pre-med boy! HAHA! RIGHT!

YOU FUCKING LOSER. YOU PIECE OF SHIT. YOU PUT PROFILES ON THE INTERNET ON MANY MANY ADULT WEBSITES LOOKING FOR DISCREET RELATIONS AND CASUAL SEX, LOOKING TO CHEAT ON ME, USING YOUR WEDDING PHOTO AS YOUR PROFILE PHOTO.

WHO ARE YOU???

Oh, and your profiles were LAUGHABLE! Wow. WOW! You can't spell and you made a living fucking fool of yourself on those profiles. Oh, and you were lying about your penis size. "Average"!?!?!?! Oh yeah RIGHT, BITCH!!! HAHAHA! Little itty bitty TAMPON is more like it. And you know it. That is FACT.

I HATE YOU.

Oh and then remember how your "friend" from school text messaged you:

"I just pulled a [your name]. I had a hot chick all up on my nuts."

UM...REALLY? So...THAT'S what you were talking about while you were at school? No wonder you're no longer pre-med. Ha.

OH HOW I HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. Some of your friends returned from Iraq with their bank accounts cleared out and their wives off with other men. Some never even made it that far because they received "Dear John" letters while over there. I WAS SO FUCKING LOYAL TO YOU. YOU WERE SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME. YOU BETRAYED ME.

Have a great life, white trash boy. Really. Let's just see what happens, shall we??? Let's. You know how things are going to turn out just as well as I do. YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU KNOW IT. Sad, sad, sad.

Just Another Day...

2006-07-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, today I was told to, "Shut up, hoe bag" in front of my son. It's unreal to me. How can this be the same person I fell in love with and married? Having not only such blatant disrespect and hatred for me, but also for the boy, to say those things to his mother in front of him? This is by far not the first time, and it's OLD. There's no excuse. It came out of nowhere too, it wasn't like we were arguing or anything...he is just a vile human being.

Before that I had been opening mail (my current most dreaded activity) and I opened a statement from his ROTH IRA account that I opened for him in 2004. It's growing. It was a very good investment, and one he would never in a million years have made himself (nor even THOUGHT to have made.) I did it because we were a team. We were a family. His best interest was my best interest. I set up retirement accounts for us. I mean, we had PLANS! I was in a MARRIAGE! Never in a trillion years would I have imagined that things would have turned out this way. EVER.

Next I opened a bill from a medical company- a YELLOW bill. I knew what it was. It was a bill he had "paid" a while back. Meaning, he sent a check in...but had no money in his account by the time they went to cash it. You know, the account he no longer has access to because they have closed it on him? Yes, that one. So it's come back on me. That is one of 2 medical bills that happened with. And they are both delinquent- they are in MY name, I am already so short on money it is a HUGE struggle to be able to pay them...and if I don't, my credit that I have worked my ass off on will be affected. Oh hell no.

This mail-opening experience really illustrated the dichotemy of our "relationship": I gave all, he gave none. Plain and simple. I was in 100%, he wasn't. And I had NO idea. None at all. Yes, I knew there were some serious problems creeping in, but him not being 100% committed to our marriage and family was NOT one of them. It is SHOCKING. He has absolutely no integrity. None.

I took the kids and dog to the beach today. Afterwards, we drove a different way and I was enjoying the scenary so I kept going. Before I knew it I was at my husband's old base. The base I spent many, many weeks going to family support groups at while he was in Iraq. It was interesting to drive around that area under such startlingly different circumstances. I let it all soak in as I drove. I remembered. I felt.

You see, I really REALLY adored my husband. I thought the world of him. I admired and respected him in a way I had never anyone before. I was so proud of him. It was this really unique thing that I had never experienced before. I became a part of this amazing person.

Anyway, that's all over with now.

When I walked through my church yesterday it was strange. I thought of all the many weeks I have been there. It's been about 7 years now. When my husband was in Iraq I only missed 1 week of church and it was because I was in a hospital bed, having just given birth. That church has been a huge part of my life...of so many transitions...and walking there yesterday I was thinking about how this HUGE era of my life has really come and gone...I'm alone again now. It's insane. Truly insane. Those church walls have seen a lot. God has seen what has happened. My mom reminded me today that God never changes. This is true.

:(

2006-07-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

What on earth gives someone the right to marry someone, promise that they are going to raise children together, commit to that by HAVING children, and then just decide that they don't want to anymore and completely turn their back on their responsibilities?

And leave the other person completely holding the bag?What could possibly make someone think this is okay? How can anyone rationalize this?

It is so my fault for even imagining that I could find a person to make such a commitment to me. This has happened to me twice now. Tell me how someone who works full time and also collects disability and pays NO rent is having a hard time giving me enough money to pay for camp? And every time we discuss it it's an issue. Even after we've agreed on it last time.

On my own I can't afford this. I'm juggling bills like you wouldn't believe. I'm in tears every time I check the mail. And he knows this. It's really not fair to me.I keep looking for a job. I've sent my resume out to about 30 different places this week.

Jibber Jabber

2006-07-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

My favorite message board site is down for maintenance and will be for several hours. Silly of me but I'm bummed out because that is my evening social life. Like...what am I going to do tonight now?

My parents called and while we were talking they asked if my husband was here or if I had heard from him tonight (it's almost 10). He's not and I haven't. I wonder where he is. It hurts not to know. At the same time, I'm bitterly angry that this is the 5th day in a row he hasn't called his kids.

Back to me. It was SIX LOUSY DAYS that I didn't exercise. Shame on me. Today I went on the treadmill and made myself do Week 3 like nothing had happened. Oh boy! It hurt! But I did it. I'm continuing on my merry way on the program. Bad news though- between the not exercising and the HORRIBLE eating this past week, I've gained 5 pounds. I'm hoping some of it is due to ovulation. Anyway, enough of the bullshit. I'm back on track.

Job hunting is insane. It's discouraging. I feel like I'm such a bad candidate for so many positions ON PAPER, although I know I'd be great at the job. These issues run deep with me, so I don't want to go into it too much right now. Not in the mood.

My parents are being so nice. Not sure if I mentioned this but I told them everything. Well, an overview of everything. They know why I'm not with my husband anymore and why I won't be again. They understand and support my decision. It feels so good to know that, I can't even begin to tell you.

Another Deceptive Email From the Past

2006-07-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, here's another one. Written 1/27/02. He had just arrived at his parents' house to visit for 2 weeks after having met me in person and really solidified our relationship. We had already been talking on the phone and online for almost 3 months and for HOURS on end. I knew him well (so I thought.) I was already calling him my husband behind his back. He was great. Here you see he was making me think he felt the same way. A few days later (2/1 to be exact) he cheated on me with his sister's 17-year-old friend. I had to beat the truth out of him.

Why did I forgive him? I am a pathetic loser. Let's hope that's "was". I was this kind of person: I had devoted so much of my heart to him, I was so set on him, he was "the one"- how could I let that go? Sick, sick, sick. You see, I had believed that he was this fantastic person he painted himself to be, and this just didn't fit. I was sick over it. I'm serious. Because this is what got me out of my abusive marriage (I was already divorced but couldn't quite cut the cord.) Meeting this great guy helped me cut it. And if it wasn't even real...wow. I couldn't face that. It had to be real. I was so very, very sick and hurt I can't even tell you. I wished so badly I could turn back the clock and he wouldn't have done that. It took me a very long time to get over that blow.

He somehow proved to me that he was sorry and he changed. I really believed him. He appeared to be very sincere. He was everything I wanted in a man (except for that horrible memory of what he did.) Really though, he was great. Everyone thought so. Anyway, here's one of the deceptive emails :(
_____________________________

hey... i made it... yay!
i miss you so much!!! i was thinking about you on the bus and i missed the way that i held you. sleep was horrorable. uncomfortable... even for me. i tried though. :)

i did get to wirte you a letter because i had no paper but i promise that i will write you an actual letter. that way you can have something other then the computer to look at. i liked the long letter that you wrote. i do think that this is a great relationship and i am excited... (so much so)...

i dont think about the rebound anymore.... you have set that to rest when i talked to you and even more so when i read the letter. i feel as though i am the luckiest man in the world!!! i thinbk that it is great the i am your equelibrium. i feel the same way about you... you have many positive affects on me. the peaple at work even agree with me. that is a good thing.

it is good that i have never made youi cry. i never want to and will do all within my power to make sure that you dont. i only wish to make you as happy as possible, you make me feel that way whether you realize it or not. i think that is great that [MY SON] likes me. i like him a lot also. he makes me smile nearly as much as you do. you have no reason to feel guilty and i agree with what cb said. that you miss what you wish he was, there is nothing wrong with that... it is normal, you just realized the truth... he was not the one. you did all you could. he is the one that should feel guilty. he doesnt understand (no matter what he says) what he gave up... i realize it and i dont intend to :) i am glad that you do tell me as much as you do. it makes me feel special and closer to you. that is something which i love about you.

i disagree that you should have to be hurt. that justs shows me how one sided the relationship was. it should go both ways with each person wishing to do what they can for the other. i dont think that this is a nieve idea. i get enjoyment and a sense of well being from mearly makeing you smile.

there is noone here.... it is sooooo empty. i look around and there is nothing to be seen. i am going to get a camara and take pictures.

i showed my mom and sisters that grad picture that i have of you. they all thought that you were very beautiful. my lil sis even asked what i was doing with someone like you... i agreed. i am very lucky. i will call you sometime tonight. i am supposed to go and play bingo with my mom. she is parading me around... i miss you...

Random Thoughts

2006-07-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

I can be a bitch, a boss, and a pain in the ass, but I have SO much love and affection inside that I want to pour out and give to someone. But I think that's a problem. It doesn't seem right. It seems like I have too much. And that I never get it back. I want to be able to know who the right person to give it to is. And maybe there isn't a right person to give it to. I'd rather never give it to anyone ever again as long as I live than think I'm happy and loved and have another rude awakening. I can't. And I don't know much about moderation.

I got a medical bill in the mail that had been "paid" by my husband. Well, the check bounced and now I have 7 days to pay it or I will be reported to the credit bureaus. Nice. I've worked my ass off to get good credit.

In my hotmail I have a folder with emails from my husband from even before I ever saw him in person. From 2001. He was in Okinawa. I'm reading them right now. I keep feeling like I have to look away- like I'm intruding on a private conversation between 2 people I don't know. It's not us. It seems so fake.
_____________________________

This is from 1/2/02:

good morning. i am sorry that i am the first to greet you but i am sure that i am the first to kiss a stuft animal two midnights in a row, wanting it to be you. how was your day today. mine was alright, i spent most of the time that i was in my room arms locked around beardog, other then that i just relaxed in my friend jamies room.

your main worry shouldnt be how you look, it should be how are you going to resist my charm when i get near you and how to keep my hands off you long enough to say hello. i am going to hold you so close that i will be in back of you! dont feel bad, i have been eating burger king all week, i know i shouldnt but... it tastes good.

i went through and read my horrorscope (i spelled it that way on purpose) and i my curiousity overcame. i read yours and then on my way out i say how they could be matched. here are the results.

MINE

Someone needs to be handled with kid gloves, and you may be forced to play along. It seems that they're feeling down on their luck lately, and they trust you so much that you'll be expected to take up the slack. In a roundabout way, this is a very deep and sincere compliment. It seems that they have seen others depend upon you for so long that they automatically assume that they can as well. If you set your limits and stick to them, they won't take advantage.

YOURS

Energy and emotions are both running high. Those around you seem to be turning to you for direction and entertainment this New Year's Day. You really don't need to put on any kind of a show if you don't want to. Chances are, however, that you're not only ready to provide all the entertainment and be the life of the party, but you're primed for it. If they must make you the center of attention, go ahead and comply. You can always redirect the focus to someone nearby.

OURS

When Cancer and Capricorn make a love match, it's a celestial pairing of great tenacity and determination. Capricorn, the Sea Goat, is focused on logic, on being down-to-earth and real; Cancer brings a charge of emotional intensity to the relationship. Both hold one another to high standards tempered by an abiding mutual respect. In a Capricorn mate, Cancer finds dedication, and in return Capricorn comes to love Cancer's persistence. These two Signs from opposite sides of the Zodiac can come together to create a very successful and secure connection. This relationship builds and grows from a strong foundation of material and emotional security. Both Signs can be depended on to make frugal, conservative decisions. It doesn't have to be all solemnity, though, as Cancer can help their hard-working Capricorn lover to relax a little at the end of the day, to take time to enjoy the rewards of all that labor. Cancer will also be the one to polish and preserve the fruits of their shared accomplishments; Cancer is the keeper of nostalgia and cherished memories and possessions. Capricorn moves Cancer toward achievement and keeps in check their Crab-like tendencies, enlightening Cancer to the more important matters of the world outside their own easily bruised heart.

have a nice day and i will be thinking of you...
_______________________________________

Man. Who WAS that?

A Very Satisfying Vent

2006-07-07T23:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I really can't stand the way my "husband" speaks to me. It's so clearly his attitude problem- I can see it with clear eyes now. Case-in-point, on the Fourth of July we went to a park to watch fireworks. Afterwards, we were driving home and there was a lot of traffic leaving the parking lot. I hit the brakes too hard at one point, on a hill, and the dog flew forward a little.

"Stop slamming on the fucking brakes!"

"I did it accidentally."

"Yeah, you're a great fucking driver."

I didn't say anything. This has been the topic of many previous arguments though. Usually I say something back because he is a notoriously horrible driver. He has gotten in so many recent accidents, it's unbelieveable. I let it go. Also, we have had many previous altercations because I'm a backseat driver. I'll admit it. When someone I know has rear-ended 3 people in the past 3 years is far too close for comfort, I say something. Yes, maybe repeatedly. I'm a pain in the ass that way.

Anyway, a few minutes later there was a loud firecracker right above us. I jumped a little and said, about the dog, "It's amazing that she's not more scared. I know what it is and I'm a little scared. Imagine not knowing what it is."

"You're such a bad American. That's what America is all about: Blowing shit up. I can't believe you've never even held a sparkler."

Silence for a few beats.

"And I can't believe you've never read the Constitution from start to finish. I think that you're a bad American. How's that?"

"Whatever. Big deal. Just shut the fuck up about it already, will you? Keep your trap shut for once."

"Um, excuse me? If you say something like that about me, I'm going to defend myself."

"Fine. You defended yourself. Now shut the fuck up already."

Quiet for a bit. I was really mad though. You know, we had had quite a pleasant day. Nothing had happened, nothing had gone wrong. This was totally out of the blue. He is just a miserably unpleasant human being. I had to speak again. "You'd better think before you decide to insult me."

"What?"

"Yes. You should think carefully before you decide what insult to throw at me. Because, like in the case of the insult you just chose, most of the time you don't have a leg to stand on, and I will defend myself and show you how the insult can be turned around on YOU. For example, when was it that you first voted? How old were you again? Was it 24? Now THAT'S a pretty poor excuse for an American, I'd say. So I really wouldn't go there with me, if I were you."

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP? DO YOU EVER SHUT THAT FUCKING TRAP OF YOURS?"

Yes, the kids were in the car. The baby was sleeping. Our son was listening. He hears this. I suppose I shouldn't have said a word. I shouldn't have this man in my presence, is what it is.

Then today, my birthday, he was almost equally unpleasant when he came here to pick up my son to take him to a movie. He said that I was bitching about the screen door. "Bitching." You know, I don't need that. I don't want that in my life. I was speaking to him like a normal person, as I would anyone else. I wouldn't expect anyone else to say that to me, and neither should he.

Ugh.

Good vent. Thank you very much :)

Happy Birthday to Me: My Good Year Begins.

2006-07-07T03:15:00.000-07:00

Okay, first of all, I'm mad right now.

I went downstairs to take my pills, and decided to go through my mail. There was an open letter from H's credit union at the top of the stack so I read it. It was informing him that his credit union privileges have been revoked, he must stop writing checks immediately, he is being reported to ChexSystems (or whatever that thing is called) and the credit agencies, and everyone he has written outstanding checks to will be notified of the above when they are informed of the NSF.

Um...look here. His excuse will be that he was out of work for about a month or 6 weeks. Let me tell you that he had the potential to still be bringing in some income by doing a part-time job for my office, but declined to do so. Let me ALSO tell you that as poor as I have been in my life, even on WELFARE...I have NEVER sunk to this low. Ever. By the way, his car loan and another personal loan he has are through this credit union.Let me just tell you how sick and tired of this I am.

Let me also tell you that because money is so tight I am using the money my parents gave me for my birthday, which is today, to make a CC payment, even though they have INSISTED that it go to tint my windows (the same gift I had wanted for Christmas but the money went for bills that time too.) H's money always goes for H. Surprise surprise.

I almost want to kick and scream, but I won't. I won't because this is the beginning of my good year. I am going to get MY finances in order this year WITHOUT relying on the help of ANYONE ELSE EVER AGAIN. If he contributes, great. I won't be waiting for that. I need to be able to do it on my own, and it won't be easy, but I am going to do it. This is out of hand.

The reason my CC balance is so high, by the way, is because I put $3,000 on it to pay for treatment for my son who has ADHD and Asperger's. Do you think I'll ever see a CENT of that from him??? No. Do you think he even REMEMBERS that I'm paying that? Yeah right.

I'm so sickened by this immaturity and lack of care it's unbelieveable. I'm back to square 1 as far as single parenting and I know it. And that is why I've been gung ho on the job search lately. I need to do what it takes to build the income I need to make this family work. And I need to do it in such a way that my children won't suffer. This WILL be happening within the next month, mark my words.

Argh. It's a little discouraging because I owe money to the church (in the sense that I'm behind on my tithing), I have CC debt, my bills are barely getting paid, camp- wow: HOW is it going to be paid each week?! Stress! I need a new A/C. But you know what? It's going to happen. I'm looking forward to it. I have a lot of catching up with God to do over this lovely good year of mine, and I know there are AMAZING things in store for my children and me!

Today (I am...)

2006-07-02T00:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am the youngest I will ever be.

Today I am the least fit I will ever be again.
Today I am the worst mother I will ever be.
Today I am the fattest I will ever be.
Today I am in the worst shape I will ever be again.
Every day I will improve for the rest of my life.
I will better myself. I will keep going forward, never back.

Today I weight trained. Hoodia seems to be working so far. I'm down 2 lbs. Today I ate a small slice of cheese pizza. A mozzerella, tomato and basil sandwich with a side salad, 2- 40 calorie sugar free popciles and a string cheese. Oh, and 2 sips of sprite.

Today I saw my husband. He was very unpleasant, for the most part. He told me to shut up and he called me an idiot. Whatever. I didn't engage because there's no point. I just felt bad for my son listening to him tell me to shut up. I realized why it's so hard to make him stop talking to his sister that way. Not to mention I'm bad about things like that too. We are a very bad family, verbally. I'm really working on it. Seeing parents interact that was is terrible for kids. That was one of the straws that broke the camel's back for me as far as ending things. He had to go. Now I need to try to reverse what has been done. In all of us.

Today

2006-06-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

I've had a headache pretty much all day. I made myself do Day 1 of Week 2, Couch to 5K. It was tough, but doable. I'm on my way.

I've been feeling "off" lately. I think maybe my period might have something to do with it. Today I burst into tears a few times because I don't know what I want to be doing. I don't know where I want to be. I'm lonely. What are my goals? I know it will pass...

I bought Hoodia yesterday and have taken 2 so far. We'll see.

Money problems abound. I'm so stressed about it I can't even deal. I haven't been in this situation in a long time.

I've been having serious parenting problems. I've been praying for help. It doesn't seem to get better. And I hate myself.

Today I ate:

Kashi cereal puffs and NF Milk
Pirate's Booty
1 can Chicken broth
1 Can Coke
1 Summer Skirt Steak Salad (romaine lettuce, steak, avocado, zucchini, corn, olives, tomato, mustard dressing.)
2 pieces of bread

Wow, I'm a fatass.

2006-06-29T01:28:00.000-07:00

Between being weighed at the doctor's office and having my body fat measured at the gym, it's a big reality check. On I go.

Today I ate:

2 sugar free popcycles (40 calories each)
1 sugar free pudding with sugar free cool whip
1 bowl cheerios with non fat milk
1 grilled vegetable salad with chicken (rather large salad with a balsamic dressing)

Overall, a good eating day.

I went to the gym and did my weights. When I got home I was too tired to do my abs. Shame on me.

Just Call Me Workout Queen

2006-06-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, baby. This body is becoming FIT, I tell you. For about the past 3 weeks now I have been on a really good workout program and have been eating really well also. I'm disappointed with the weight loss situation so far (I've only lost about 2 lbs.) but I have to admit that I've lost inches and I also notice a difference visually. So on I plug.

This week I started this running program called Couch to 5K. A running program. I can't even believe it. It is the most physically taxing thing I've ever done in many years, if ever. But I'm so excited about it. I just love it. It feels good and I adore having this goal before me.

So...I'm going to be turning 31 in 2 weeks. I've decided that 31 is going to be my next "good year." What I mean is this: When I was a kid I always looked forward to turning 15. For some reason I had arbitrarily picked that age to be my "good year"; It would be the year I'd come into my own, I'd be pretty, I'd be popular and I'd be happy. When I turned 15, surprisingly enough, those things DID happen. Well, 31 is going to be my "good year." It's high time for another one!

Here's how I'm going to keep on changing myself and bettering myself:

1- Keep up spritually (keep praying, reading, going to church, tithing: NO SLACKING)
2- Become comfortable being ALONE. I haven't been without a man since my sophmore year in HS (ironically, I was 15). I am going to be alone and get to know who I am as a woman ALONE.
3- I am going to become a fit person. My body is going to be in the best shape of its life. My lifestyle is going to incorporate working out and a better way of eating.
4- I am going to incorporate a skin, makeup, fashion, tanning, hair, and "persona" regimine into my daily life. I need to delve more deeply into this one to see what it entails. I need to be taking active care of myself on a regular basis. If I don't value myself, who will?
5- I am going to get into a good daily schedule. This will be easier once I know whether I will be moving. If I am, I can start this after I move. I need to have a specific timeline of daily events with my children to make things run more smoothly in our household and to make everyone less stressed and more happy. A time for dinner, a time for bathing, a time for reading together, a time for homework, a time for playing, a time for cleaning up, a time for bed. It will be really good for us.

That's all I have right now. I'm sure there will be more to come!

Just Wow. Again.

2006-06-16T00:39:00.000-07:00

This is the second night in a row that, despite the fact that Monday I told him that it's very important right now that the kids hear from him every day, my "husband" hasn't called the kids. There's NO reason that he can't make time for a quick call, no matter WHERE he is or WHAT he is doing. Pure bullshit.

Tomorrow is the preschool's "Father's Day Breakfast". It's been on the calendar all year. It's open between 7 and 8:30. Coming in for 10 minutes during that timeframe would be fine. When "H" got his new job and started on Monday I reminded him about it and told him to tell his employer that he had a prior engagement that morning and would have to come in a little later that day (an hour at MOST). He could have told them this when they hired him. I called him earlier and asked him about it. "Tomorrow morning? What about tomorrow morning? Oh, ____'s thing? Yeah, I can't go."

Wow. WOW. I hung up. Remember ____ ________? The daughter I named for you? Because I respected you SO immensely? I thought the world of you. Because I thought you DESERVED the world? I wanted to give you the world, or as much of it as I had access to...____ ______ will probably be the only one without a daddy to take to the breakfast tomorrow. Thanks, you hero.

My Friend

2006-06-14T23:38:00.000-07:00

My long-time girl friend and I talked today. She told me that she and her boyfriend had a talk recently and he said that depending on what his raise is at the end of the year (and if it's what he thinks it's going to be) they will be able to sell their condo and buy a HOUSE! I'm very happy for her. She is thrilled. I realize that she has made good relationship decisions. I, obviously, have not. I need to watch and learn.

She said that he was making some comment about how they share their money and she told him that she doesn't really feel that they do. They pay certain bills jointly, but then he has his money and she has hers. He was surprised to hear that she felt that way and wanted to change it. He then asked her what she thought about signing a domestic partnership agreement...she said, "No way! You will have to buy me a ring and propose to me! We will get married. No domestic partnership agreement." He said okay.

So the past few days, while at their respective workplaces, over IM, he has been showing her different rings to get her opinions on them. He was showing her some NICE ones! I'm truly happy for her and I would like to model myself after her (as far as her self-respect).

Fury, Sorrow, Disappointment...

2006-06-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

Today my kids did not receive a phone call from their "dad". Two days ago I told him that it is really important that a day doesn't pass that they don't get a call from him. They really need to hear from him daily right now. There's no reason that, no matter where he is or what he's doing, he can't take 30 seconds and make a quick "good night, I love you" phone call. No reason.

It's heartbreaking.

I didn't foresee this at ALL. It's stunning. All of this. I've been down this road before.

This person went before a judge and swore to be a father to my son. He swore to support him. He swore to love him like a true father. How dare he do so if he wasn't 1,000% sure that he could do so. No one was forcing him. It wasn't a requirement. It was HIS idea! He could have backed out at any time. We could have waited. This is serious. You can't "divorce" your adopted child. He's his for LIFE. I CHOSE him for him. I carefully selected him, with fatherhood in mind. My son ADORED him. Still does. I thought I was doing good. I have tremendous guilt over this. And I'm angry. I'm furious. Dupe me, you're a bastard. Dupe my child...you're the living devil.

Sigh.

2006-06-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

So today I saw my husband and I reminded him that we had signed our son up for summer camp at the local park. It starts on the 26th. We paid for the registration and the first week, but that's it. This was before he lost his previous job. It costs $160.00 a week.

He started a new job yesterday, making slightly less money than he was before. Today I reminded him about camp and told him that we'd need to use his paychecks to pay for it. (ALL of my income goes to keeping us afloat. There's no way I can pay for it. He knows that. It was clear when we signed him up.) He said, "Well, I'll have to see. That's not my first priority. I have to find myself a place to live first. I have to get an apartment. That's my first priority."

Um...no. He is at my parents' house, and although it's not a perfect arrangement, it's FINE for now. There's no pressing reason for him to leave when he has other financial commitments. We have a commitment to pay for our son's camp! Plus, where else would he go every day this summer? My mom is having major back surgery tomorrow and will be out of commission for several months, so there's no way she can watch him...

I told him all of this and he said, "I'm sure you'll figure something out." WHAT? I felt the tears welling up but I held them in. This is terrible, just terrible. How dare he. He left it at, "We'll see. I'll see how much I have left after I pay for the things I need to pay for."

You know what? My son deserves more than that. He really does. He deserves to know that he signed up for camp and that he's going to camp. He's already been shafted my one father. I can't even BELIEVE this is happening to him again. Wow.

Not to mention the medical bills that he "paid" a few weeks ago that bounced that I am now responsible for. I can't take this stress. It's overwhelming. June is a hard month for me with both kids' birthdays and such. My car registration is due. Now the camp thing. I don't know what to do.

Well, in case I had any doubts about my decisions regarding my husband, you know? This is the kind of person he is. What a HUGE disappointment. Huge.

Last night in bed I let it really hit me. I let it sink in- what he has done. That he has betrayed me in many horrible ways. That I thought he had a very solid character. I admired him so much. I respected him. I adored him. I let the blow of it wash over me- really wash over me. I was bawling. I am accepting the fact that this has happened.

I'm Back

2006-06-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

So...this is what always seems to happen to me in relationships. I had prayed and prayed for my husband to care enough about what I thought and felt that he might go onto my computer and see what I had been writing...it hurt me so much that he didn't care. It tore me up inside. It killed me.

Now that I kind of really don't care anymore, guess who's all up in my business? In my email, deleting all of the emails I had of copies and pastes of all of the 15 or so adult profiles he had created on different adult websites last year. Gone. He went and got some of my passwords. One was for Match.com. The funny thing about that is, I had signed up for that last year to try to detect whether he was on it. It's a totally inactive account. I don't have a profile on there nor do I ever sign in there. I used it at that point just to try to catch him.

The other was for another similar site. That one I just created and it's a real profile. I don't care that he found it.

Earlier this week I proposed that we start keeping an open mind about other people. Not date other people at this point, but see who else is out there. And that if it ever came to the point that we found that we wanted to move to the next level with someone, we would be open and honest about it. He agreed to it...maybe reluctantly. But he did agree that things were crap the way they were. I need to break free of this. Really. I've had it.

Tomorrow is my son's 9th birthday. 9 years ago right now I was in the hospital in labor. I was really thinking deeply about that on and off today. I was thinking about the position I was in in life at that moment, and then comparing it to the position I am in now. In many ways I have come a long way. However, I want to make sure that I've truly come a long way in all ways. Are there parts of me that are still that girl? That girl who is far too scared to let go of someone who treats her poorly? Who clings to it because she has nothing else and feels she deserves no better?

I am going to be 31 next month. I need to be a woman who has learned better since then. I am her. I know I am.

Lately when I've been alone I've been very, very alone. And I've been very at peace with that. By the same token I don't want to go without a man for long. That sounds bad, I know that. But I love to be loved. I know, I know...I have some issues there. I am aware of that. But what I was saying about being at peace...it's interesting. When I'm alone, I'm really me. I feel like I can sense the core me again, which is nice. And it makes me really realize that the core me will ALWAYS be there somewhere. She will never go away. I can move from man to man, from marriage to marriage, from house to house...underneath it all, I'm bringing ME with me. And that is very comforting. I am going to make every effort not to subjugate me, no matter where I go and who I'm with. And by the same token, I'd like to be able to not have to be in control all the time. It would be so nice to have a balance. A nice, healthy balance.

By the way, I'm on Seroquel now. I really like it. So I'm on Wellbutrin, Topamax and Seroquel. I no longer have frequent suicidal ideation imposing on my life. Also, my rages are slightly less. I'd like it to be even less...I'm working on that.

Just stuff...

2006-03-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really down right now. Really sullen. I don't always feel this way, it's just that I don't usually have the need to post when I'm feeling good.

I feel kind of hopeless (though I know I have hope and a future. It's a feeling I almost feel I don't have control over, though in my head I know it's untrue.) Sometimes I feel really good and like I know I am able to move past all of this, one way or another. Other times I feel like it would be impossible for someone to suffer blow after blow like this and escape unscathed.

At our LIFE Group on Friday our leader was talking about how he is a grown man and of course could sit around playing video games if he chose to, but that he'd much rather go out and earn a living to support his family. He also made a comment later on about wanting to buy a big freezer but that his wife said that he can do that once he buys her a house. Hearing things like that from them (and other people, which I often do) turns a light bulb on for me. When I look around in the lit up room, I feel sad. Because I know I've greatly short-changed myself. I have someone who wouldn't have the drive to support his family if his life depended on it.

About a week and a half ago, the day that I was feeling really low about myself after seeing those women from my daughter's preschool, I came home and laid in bed and cried to my husband about my feelings. I explained how some of the things he does feeds into it, although how he is not the cause because I have been feeling this way for many years before I even knew him. He didn't like some of what I said, some of how I said what I said...he yelled at me, got up and left. Made me feel much worse than I already felt. I was already very low. I wanted comfort.

He came back a little while later to apologize for leaving and to talk more. I was angry and upset and started telling him that. He got miffed at something I said. I was on the bed in fetal position and he was sitting on the bed. He grabbed my thong underwear from behind (it was sticking out above my pants I guess) and yanked them. So hard that they snapped and broke in his hand. He was holding a piece of them in his hand. It hurt when he did it, but more than that I was shocked and VERY VERY humiliated. It was very degrading. I looked at him with horror on my face. What is this man doing? What has this disintegrated into? I told him to get the fuck out of my face. Leave now! He said no! He wouldn't go! I used my foot to his chest to push him out of the way. My heart was pumping. I was scared and mad. When I did that it infuriated him. He said something nondescript but vaguely threatening. I told him I needed him TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT ROOM. He wouldn't go! I reached out to push him out of my way! He stood up. I took my foot to kick him in the balls. GET OUT! When I did that he turned red and came at me. I got really scared and turned around in a ball to protect myself (a position that is second nature to me. I'm extremely used to retreating into that position in order to protect myself. I've had to do it many times over a very long period of time. Not just with him.) He grabbed my hair (just like my ex did. Just like my father did.) Took 2 clumps of it, one in each hand, and pulled. Screamed at me, in my ear, on top of me on the bed. He grabbed my arms and squeezed hard.

My daugher walked in. I BEGGED him to stop so that she wouldn't see this happening. He got off me. I said, "Hi ___. It's okay. Nothing's wrong. It's okay." I trembled as I walked into the bathroom and closed the door. "Get out of here or I will call the fucking police."

"Call. Here's the phone." He handed it to me through the door. No lock on our door. "I don't hear any dialing..."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! Can you leave me alone!?!?!"

Finally he left the room. I was crouched over the toilet shaking and crying my eyes out, moaning in pain from the humiliation and agony of what my life had become. "This is not norma. No. This is not normal. It's not. I know it's not. Something inside of me tells me I deserve better than this. I don't want my children to live like this. I don't want my children to think this is okay. This is not okay. This needs to stop." I am telling myself these things as I rock back and forth over the toilet in the small bathroom. Tears are pouring down my face. I have pulled the broken part of my underwear out of my pants and thrown it in the trash. That made me cry even harder. All I was trying to do was share my pain with a man who is supposed to love me. Why did it turn into a physical attack?

He has been sleeping on the couch ever since. This is what led to my final decision that he needs to leave this home. He really does.

3 Years Ago...

2006-03-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

It's truly a day of the oddest of feelings for me. I want to retreat into a little shell and go back in time by myself, as only I can understand what truly happened to me those days (only myself and God I should say). My body and mind easily recreate the feelings I had at the time. I truly believe I have mild PTSD. My symptoms aren't always there- that subsided over 2 years ago. But there are triggering events that can bring them. To me what I experienced was a true trauma. It was a life-changing experience of momumental proportions.

What's so odd now is in rereading what I wrote- how I felt towards that man, my husband...I feel kind of bad for myself. Not that I experienced the life-changing series of events that I did. They made me a stronger person. But that the person I went through it with/for is who he now is. It's shock in it's purest form.

May peace soon prevail on earth. I will continue to pray this prayer to the Lord.

Kick Me, Stab Me, Punch Me. I'm A Whore!

2006-03-13T14:39:00.000-08:00

I feel incredibly betrayed right now. I feel like I'm on another planet too. I mean, how can this be real? I have butterflies in my stomach, I feel nauseous and dizzy.

I told my husband that I think I want him to move out. I really think we've tried everything there is to try at this point, and that seems to be what I need to have happen for myself and for my kids. I also said that I'm curious to see what and who else might be out there for me.

"Oh, so you're saying you want to see other people?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that I'm interested in finding out if I might be interested in seeing other people. I want to know what else there is out there and what the world has to offer."

So later in the day, he stomped upstairs while my children and I were sitting downstairs on the couch. He was saying, "Your mother is a whore. She wants to go whore around with other guys." I tried to start talking over it so they wouldn't hear. I'm not sure if they did. Unfortunately, it's nothing my poor son hasn't heard before from his "real" dad. This is what shocks me.

I have spent years telling my husband about what kind of person my ex was and the things he used to do and say to me. This type of thing was TYPICAL, only he wouldn't be walking up the stairs while saying it, he would say it directly to my son while we'd all be in the room sometimes. It makes me ill to think about.

I called him on his cell today and asked him not to do anything else to traumatized our children.

"Oh yeah? What have I done to traumatize our children?"

"Well yesterday you called their mother a whore within earshot."

"The explanation for that is that they have a mother who wants to go sleep around and is a whore. That must be pretty traumatizing for them also."

I'm really just at a loss for words that this man has now decided to use this same tactic. It creeps me out and makes me sad that while I was divulging all of that personal and painful history to him, he was a person who was capable of the same, and was probably siding with my ex the whole time unbeknownst to me. I feel very exposed and ashamed.

I'm so sickened right now I don't even know what to do. This man doesn't love us, right? How could he? You see, a strong STRONG sense inside of me tells me this. And I trust myself to a great degree now. The problem is, I have no idea what to relate it to other than the experience of others. I have never had an intimate relationship where this hasn't happened. Am I a whore? An idiot? A horrible mother? A loser? All of the above? I can't even tell anymore. But I know that this is something I can't live with. And I won't have my kids live with it.

If you read this and you're a person who prays, please pray for us. Thanks.

Still Feeling Horrible

2006-03-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

I'm so lonely. I know my marriage is over. How did this happen? I'm hardening my shell right now so I can survive. I don't feel well. I want to have a baby. I want to have a husband there with me to love me and take care of me. I want to find a new job. I want to be a different person in a different life.

I know I can do this and survive. History tells me so. But I also know I am in store for severe pain and torment. History tells me this too.

Truly, I'm just literally stunned. I just can't fathom that the dear soul I knew in all those letters in my other blog, with whom (actually, technically without whom) I went through the most challenging and life-shaping experience of my life, is this person harming me; He is this person that when I'm writhing in pain grasping for a line, defaces me. This is like deja vu to me, in a horrifying, miserable way. I thought that old stuff was real. I was being so sincere. What is real? Is anything?

If I could trust and rely on one person in the world, I would be so good to that person. I am a sick and sinful person, but in spite of that I would try my ass off to be the best wife I know how to be, and I would continually strive to be better. That's what I think I was doing. If not, please forgive me (God, children, myself, my family, husband). I want to give and be given to. Right now I can't do either. I am barren.

I figure I can feel horrible alone, or feel WORSE and be abused and be "married". And really, I'm not married. Who's kidding who here? Enough.

Back To Normal Blogging

2006-03-08T21:41:00.000-08:00

I had to start a normal blog again. I am kind of enjoying posting my letters and such, but it is preventing me from my normal venting, and sometimes it's really necessary. So I decided to make another blog and link the two. Hello!

Today was a low point for me. It was one of those days where I looked at other people and saw how low on the pecking order of "worthy women" I am. It's really hard to explain, but I was never a valuable girl. I never felt like a special daughter- loved, cherished, wanted. I was always a problem, a pain in the ass, etc. I was defective. And obviously I still am, but...I've learned to live with it so well that I've almost thought I've grown to love it at times. But sometimes it hits me HARD that I'm still not valuable to anyone. Yes, I know I'm valuable to God and to my children. But not in the same way that I'm talking about. Something's missing. I pray that God puts that piece in me. I felt like dying. But I love my children more than I hate myself. That's an awful lot.

These moms from my daughter's preschool- they are so pretty, they dress well, they carry themselves well. Their husbands work and support the family, they have nice jewelry. I'm sure they were loved daughters. They are loved wives. Their husbands don't call them whores or want to slit their throats or leave all of the responsibility on them or buy them a beautiful diamond ring and have to take it back a week later. Unworthy. Fat. I wish he could see me as them.